i keep dreaming of love and things yet to come. i’m excited and yet i’m still suicidal. sometimes. i thought the anti depressives worked. i still have issues. i’m scared of death. i thought what if he knows my tumblr and reads my tumblr. i erased what i wrote. now im in vatra dornei with my parents. we played remi but i got bored. i’m paranoic again. i thought that people gossip about me. yet i know so surely that i’m invisible to people. and that people have a life. i have a life also…yet…he matters. i didn’t go and i don’t intend to go to his blue mondays. or any concerts. i like my silly life. though i dream of love. but wouldn’t life be boring. going every monday to his whatever it is. i thought 5 am fucking seems nice. now i think 5 am dreaming next to someone seems nice. i dream a lot lately. i dreamt of him. his hands, his eyes. his lips. it seemed so real. we ran. he hold my hand. we were being chased and he protected me. he hold me in his arms. i was scared. i knew it was a dream at a point. while he was embracing me, i thought how do i not wake up. like ever. i woke up. death seemed to be the answer. i know he doesn’t care whether i’m dead or alive. this i know. yet i dream of him and he listens to dream memory. or something. i think i’m fine, then i think i’m not fine at all. i think i have so many issues that no pill can ever solve. neither my psychiatrist, nor fucking. anyways i hate these coincidences. it’s 20:35 and i’m so sleepy. i couldn’t go back to sleep this morning. woke up at 5 am. with him in my mind. i tried so hard to fall asleep again. to go back to him. death is not an option. cause i’m scared of it. but sometimes, i do think of it. and i have so many future plans. it scares me the most how fragile i am. and how contradictory my mind is. i think i’m in love with him. so much time has passed. why doesn’t it go away. why do i think of him.why am i this awful person that can’t just whatever. but i will run in real life. and i’ll think i have this presence next to me, though i will run with andreea, i’ll have this protective presence next to me.
"You didn’t flinch! You’re the coolest man."